It has been awhile, hasn't it? :)
Hmm. *clearing throat*
My life is pretty much moving quite fine now. Well, its not something that big to really boast or gloat about but its progressing. A good gradual positive step, I would say. My career is starting, not flourishing but oh well, it is something, you see. I am proud of my career. I want to do good in it, despite the tense and I-am-dumb-lets-give-up moments, yupe, it is something I am trying to make it out of me. It is like, I have to achieve something and let it be this, first!
A lot of things, happened. Be it good or not so good. Some were real like shits, some were just too painful to bear but well, others were joyful like you wish they'd never end. What can I say, they are the tidbits of life. You get it salty, sugary and sometimes spicy, right?
Involved in a pretty complicated situation, blamed for things you have never intended of doing, claimed as a third wheel, dragged into a suffocating space where you wish you have a way out. It sounds like a big regret, isn't?
Well honestly, to say that I regret of whatever I have gone through these past few months is an overstatement. Its not like a regret, but a wishful thinking that somehow you could fix things back to where it used to be, even though it means to brush you off from the very story.
But I know, I cant fix things back to where it used to be.
It happened. Love happened. Was it a wrong person to fall in with again? I have no clue myself.
He might be. He might not be. But, the same pain my heart used to bear, somehow spreads its wings back into my life somehow. The same feel, the familiar bitterness, the recognizable shape of pain.
Nevertheless this time around, I am much older, I do think I can handle it better, I guess. Well, finger crossed on this one. But it didn't mean I was not totally crushed and bummed. Exhaustion runs wild through every vein. Heavy tears slipping through once in a while. Heart stabbed for a hundred times, most of the time.
Then again, I believe that I am older so I do feel I should be wiser. Such pain is bearable now. And I believe God has reasons for this. Yes, God always has reasons. Good ones. So, fret never, Worry not, for I should see a bigger picture of this.
Knowing him was an indescribable feeling, I admit. A rare case for someone who tries her best not to get into a new unimaginable twisted story. He was a nice guy. Funny. Sensitive yet straightforward. Blunt at times. Forgiving most of the time. Beautiful laugh. Cheerful like a little kid. Has a curious mind that never stops questioning which somehow I could get tired of it! And everything in between. He was there for you. As far as he was away for a few of months, you could feel he is there, for you, despite everything else that has happened. One great thing about him, when it comes to friendship, hes done it really good.
Blaming him solely could be a selfish act for I have made a bigger one, letting him in when he was at most fragile. But I could not help it. He meant something. He was. I wish I knew why I let him in, but sorry guys, I am clueless on this too. Lets solve this using Theorem Pythagoras or whatever theorems you could think of! Hehe
However I stop hoping and wishing. To wish itself tickles pain in me. To go through another questionable path is just too tiring. Right now, I am just enjoying his presence and just be happy for him. He has a battle to fight too. He was in such a complicated choking thread he wishes to get out without hurting anyone. Thus, I am clearly understood. Wishing he himself found his utter happiness one day is my only hope for him. Sincerely, Truly, Honestly, I just want him to be happy. So, if you read this, be happy okay? You deserve one.
Ah. I am taking this much better than before, right........girls? Haha, you know who you guys are. I used to be this high maniac before once. Sobbing over endless drama, ah university life was horror to me! Now, well lets take everything with a pinch of salt and enjoy everything else while I can.
Well, I am not gonna give up on things I love. I love love. Love is a magical thing. It makes you wanna do good. It makes you wanna be better for the world. It makes your heart thumps faster and slower and stops and goes haywire while it can! Love really does make me feels alive. This is just a phase. I am just 26. Who am I to blame on life which I have gone through for just only a quarter of it?
Who knows, a very dear cute soul mate of mine is reading this somewhere on the other side of the world and thinking maybe that, hey....finally I have found you my dear, wait for me, we will meet one day, and we are gonna meet in a bookstore somewhere someplace in the near future, sharing stories on how Harry Potter should never end at Seventh!!. Ah, I am a fairy tale believer, bear with this hopeless soul, will ya?