macam nak emosi.

So malam yang sepatutnya i snooze early like any other weekdays, I just cant. I choose to write like I used to back then during my university life. Susah hati saja, tutup lampu, tekap headphone kat telinga, pasang lagu kuat gila, on PC dan laju tangan menari-nari atas kibod. Tango, Samba, Zapin. Semua jenis tarian terserlah!

Susah kalau minda berputar macam adunan kek dalam mixture, tanpa henti. Sesaat pun, tak berhenti. Dan pasti, adunan kek tu haruslah jadi kek siap ada cheese cream tebal 3 inci! Itulah harapan setiap kali otak tak tenang.

I am writing this in a dark room, well not so dark, ada lampu meja kecil RM20 beli di Ampang Point tolong menyerikan bilik yang bahang benar ini. Panaskan malam ni.

My birthday was a few days ago. Well, I have turned 26, they said. According to Masihi punya kalendar lah! Kalau ikut birthday tahun Hijrah, insyaAllah Syawal ni. :)

Jejak kaki masuk alam 26, tak ada lah beza mana with the past. Biasalah, nak deny diri dah tua pun ada. But frankly speaking, I feel less excited than before. Hmm, macam blues pun ada. Best friends know better pasal blues Intan seorang ni. Whenever my birthday approached, birthday eve mesti macam ala-ala blues untuk aku gituh.  Moody at times, Semangat most of the time, Senyap, Otak ligat pusing-pusing dah wonder, what have I ever achieved actually? Kadang-kadang moody boleh pulak nak nangis. Wuwuwu. Entah apa-apa. Call bestie if dah teruk. Takpun bagi silent treatment to everybody. Oh, how weird I could be. Sekarang dah kurang dah zaman emosi macam tu. Dah 26 kot.

Point cerita tak ada! Haha. Okay, okay. Actually, I tap these words out more like to soothe this uneasy mind. Motif life sekarang macam berserabut. I feel so unsure about everything. Like, at one time, I wanna give up on my career and just go on with my tiny weeny guts and do other things I really really love. But most of the time, I am not that ready yet. Baru 7 bulan kerja, dah give up. Apa ni?

To say that I am scared to get out of this comfort zone of mine, yes I admit it I suppose. I am blessed for I am working right now so I could rely on my salary and not to burden my family that much, but those 'what-ifs' somehow get into me. What if I be this or that instead of a lawyer, you see. That kind of soalan tak bersyukur yang Inchan berani fikir! Berani Inchan ye!


 Being a legal practitioner somehow opens my eyes too. Well, there are pros and cons. Tipulah kalau semuanya kena indah indah dan smooth macam dalam tv series 'Suits' tu. Ehem, Harvey Specter sangat menyentuh jiwa sanubari by the way. Dengan suit dia tu. Fuh!Huehue. Okay back to the topic. ehem!

Not so much like in the series pun. Handling matters with some rude/gatal clients, yang asyik mintak diskaun on legal fees saja (legal firms cant give discounts to the clients as in accordance with Bar Council Rulings), ajak minum lah, padahal dah ada wife! which bila refuse, habis kena ayat merendah jiwa setempek kat muka macam bedak sejuk version berapi. Kata perasan cantik sangatlah, ingat habis mahal lah. Sobs, sobs. Suka hati lah labu, kesian kat wife kamu tu saje dapat suami macam ni. Mintak jauh sangat. Tolonglah.

Nak drive five series saja, but minda sebesar Protozoa. Those kinds of clients really can get into you. Oh no, I sounded like I am complaining! Aha, let me be. I just need to unwind. Right? Lagipun siapa lagi nak dengar kita membebel about clients punya peel. Sorang sorang je lah ngadap skrin ni ye tak Ryo-kun? (nama lappie gue, harap maklum kanak-kanak sekalian).


My social life is near to zero. It is not that I am not into befriending others, it is just that I am an introvert per say. Haha. I wonder how I am gonna be a lawyer for a long run with this character of mine. I can be friendly, I can have friends, but I dont do socializing that much. I dont go out at night that much. Even weekends. Usually akan jadi hyper kalau best friends turun KL! (Since semuanya jauh jauh belaka benar!)

My university life was filled with besties and classmates' laughters and tears and nothing more. So, nak komplen sangat kata social life zero, memang tak boleh sebenarnya. Just that, I wish I could change a bit. Mix around with  people more. Be more likable I guess.Pergi attend event ni event tu. Be more like, a people person kot. Eceh. Macam hip sangatlah konon.Haha. Ah, screw me. Screw me. Challenge me much? Well let's see.


Hm.

I got a news from this one close friend of mine, that my first love is getting married soon.

Hm.

Well, It was years ago that I was deeply madly in love with this freak! but still. My first love kot. I never liked anyone like him before. Hehe. Well, to precisely say that I am sad, not so much pun. Not sad, but more like, wow everyone moves on with their life so fast, I cant even catch mine! Susah nak get over this guy, it took me years! 7 years to be precise! I was even breaking up with my matriks boyfriend twice because I could not get over this guy (despite that he had cheated on me which I think could be the most logic reason to dump him! Nyeh)

Besties know best about this even though they never met this guy pun. The tragic dark years of me trying to get out from that phase and jumped into another stupid horrific phase with another  guy which took another 2 years. And my best friend just bumped into this second guy pulak on my birthday. All those flashbacks and whatnots tetiba terpapar skrin depan mata.Ah, lame Intan lame. Well, semua tu dah dalam kotak memori yang kunci dah dibuang kat Atlantik dah pun. Hehe. Just that, well normal lah, sesekali flashback benda alah macam tu. Dah lost contact dah pun.

To be frankly honest, I am scared that I might go through another phase as such again. One time went through it, its okay since you will learn from your experience, they said. Second time, kind of like okay lagi, since you jenis degil la konon. But third time, stupid lah kalau still nak dark phase bagai. Kan. Kan!

At times, I do wish that one day  I bump into someone anywhere at any specific time, dan tiba-tiba Tuhan bagi sedetik perasaan yang this guy could be your future husband. Tiba-tiba timbul rasa nak kahwin, dan tiba-tiba si dia meminang terus! Hehe, it sounds lovely and easy and as smooth as in movies, but who knows what could happen in the future. *smiling*

In the end, I dont just give a damn to anything pun dah. But still as serabut as ever juga. Cuma maybe dah tak larat cik Intan ni nak go through benda-benda alah camtu, shes taking whatever people wanna throw at her, as long as she knows, she is strong enough to go through it. In short, whatever lah labu.

In the end juga, I believe in whatever plans God is having. Its like, it could be painful now, but somehow life will get better. It will.

Oh, this post is so rojak with all my grammars dan dual bahasa yang tunggang langgang. Maaflah, I am not planning to write as rainbow-ish as I could sound. I just want to talk. To fret. To worry. To just write all these words out.

I am 26 and somehow yes, I could feel I am serabut. I need a place to unwind, by my own. A space.


Serabutnya cik intan. Dan dia dah nak tidur. Goodnight!

Sometimes, fate and dream will collide.

Hi space. Howdie dust. Hello Silence.

It has been awhile, hasn't it? :)

Hmm. *clearing throat*

My life is pretty much moving quite fine now. Well, its not something that big to really boast or gloat about but its progressing. A good gradual positive step, I would say. My career is starting, not flourishing but oh well, it is something, you see. I am proud of my career. I want to do good in it, despite the tense and I-am-dumb-lets-give-up moments, yupe, it is something I am trying to make it out of me.  It is like, I have to achieve something and let it be this, first!

A lot of things, happened. Be it good or not so good. Some were real like shits, some were just too painful to bear but well, others were joyful like you wish they'd never end. What can I say, they are the tidbits of life. You get it salty, sugary and sometimes spicy, right?

Involved in a pretty complicated situation, blamed for things you have never intended of doing, claimed as a third wheel, dragged into a suffocating space where you wish you have a way out. It sounds like a big regret, isn't?

Well honestly, to say that I regret of whatever I have gone through these past few months is an overstatement. Its not like a regret, but a wishful thinking that somehow you could fix things back to where it used to be, even though it means to brush you off from the very story.

But I know, I cant fix things back to where it used to be.

It happened. Love happened. Was it a wrong person to fall in with again? I have no clue myself.

He might be. He might not be. But, the same pain my heart used to bear, somehow spreads its wings back into my life somehow. The same feel, the familiar bitterness, the recognizable shape of pain.


Nevertheless this time around, I am much older, I do think I can handle it better, I guess. Well, finger crossed on this one. But it didn't mean I was not totally crushed and  bummed. Exhaustion runs wild through every vein. Heavy tears slipping through once in a while. Heart stabbed for a hundred times, most of the time.

Then again, I believe that I am older so I do feel I should be wiser. Such pain is bearable now. And I believe God has reasons for this. Yes, God always has reasons. Good ones. So, fret never, Worry not, for I should see a bigger picture of this.

Hmm.

Knowing him was an indescribable feeling, I admit. A rare case for someone who tries her best not to get into a new unimaginable twisted story. He was a nice guy. Funny. Sensitive yet straightforward. Blunt at times. Forgiving most of the time. Beautiful laugh. Cheerful like a little kid. Has a curious mind that never stops questioning which somehow I could get tired of it! And everything in between. He was there for you. As far as he was away for a few of months, you could feel he is there, for you, despite everything else that has happened. One great thing about him, when it comes to friendship, hes done it really good.

 Blaming him solely could be a selfish act for I have made a bigger one, letting him in when he was at most fragile. But I could not help it. He meant something. He was. I wish I knew why I let him in, but sorry guys, I am clueless on this too. Lets solve this using Theorem Pythagoras or whatever theorems you could think of! Hehe

Well,

However I stop hoping and wishing. To wish itself  tickles pain in me. To go through another questionable path is just too tiring. Right now, I am just enjoying his presence and just be happy for him. He has a battle to fight too. He was in such a complicated choking thread he wishes to get out without hurting anyone. Thus, I am clearly understood. Wishing he himself found his utter happiness one day is my only hope for him. Sincerely, Truly, Honestly, I just want him to be happy. So, if you read this, be happy okay? You deserve one.


Ah. I am taking this much better than before, right........girls? Haha, you know who you guys are. I used to be this high maniac before once. Sobbing over endless drama, ah university life was horror to me! Now, well lets take everything with a pinch of salt and enjoy everything else while I can.


Well, I am not gonna give up on things I love. I love love. Love is a magical thing. It makes you wanna do good. It makes you wanna be better for the world. It makes your heart thumps faster and slower and stops and goes haywire while it can! Love really does make me feels alive. This is just a phase. I am just 26. Who am I to blame on life which I have gone through for just only a quarter of it?


Who knows, a very dear cute soul mate of mine is reading this somewhere on the other side of the world and  thinking maybe that, hey....finally I have found you my dear, wait for me, we will meet one day, and we are gonna meet in a bookstore somewhere someplace in the near future, sharing stories on how Harry Potter should never end at Seventh!!. Ah, I am a fairy tale believer, bear with this hopeless soul, will ya?

:)
 Hihi



Inchan.